Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
The Powers That Be have decided you aren't their type. You have been remanded to the custody of the Powers What Is.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You have the tragic flaw of seeing patterns and cosmic meaning where none exist.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and those who won't die in a coke-fueled gunfight this Sunday.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your 12-step program.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Paying close attention to the Sun and Moon signs in Libra isn't anywhere near as important as paying attention to the stop sign on Fourth and Commercial.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will find yourself engaged in a duel with Satan for the custody of your immortal soul, so you'd better brush up on your Adobe Illustrator skills.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will be stopped just a few yards short of completing your tri-state killing spree this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You might think you're the coolest person around, but don't forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your week will eerily mirror the lyrics to the song "Mercedes Boy."
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.