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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

September 13, 2000 | Issue 36•32

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

The Powers That Be have decided you aren't their type. You have been remanded to the custody of the Powers What Is.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

You have the tragic flaw of seeing patterns and cosmic meaning where none exist.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and those who won't die in a coke-fueled gunfight this Sunday.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your 12-step program.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Paying close attention to the Sun and Moon signs in Libra isn't anywhere near as important as paying attention to the stop sign on Fourth and Commercial.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

You will find yourself engaged in a duel with Satan for the custody of your immortal soul, so you'd better brush up on your Adobe Illustrator skills.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You will be stopped just a few yards short of completing your tri-state killing spree this week.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

You might think you're the coolest person around, but don't forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Your week will eerily mirror the lyrics to the song "Mercedes Boy."

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.

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