Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
A new love will cause your heart to swell, leading to a New England Journal Of Medicine article about sexually transmitted myocardial illness.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
After the traumatic events of next Friday, you'll never again wear pants with an ass in them.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will be devastated when Leonard Maltin calls the story of your life "tepid and predictable."
Cancer June 22 - July 22
A living example of the emerging breed of new-media consumer, you will experience a certain amount of difficulty understanding Melville's Moby Dick.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will soon enter a new phase of your life when you slide down the birth canal and out the vaginal opening.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, regardless.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
All the casual sex you've been having with random strangers will not help you find inner peace. It doesn't seem to hurt the strangers, though.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Sagittarius would love it if somebody did a cover of Duran Duran's "Notorious," but sang "Sagittarius" instead of "notorious." It could be really cool if done right.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Success will soon rain down upon you. So will searing flames and rocks the size of tract homes.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This week, you find yourself counting down the top 100 old-school jams of all time with the sexy and soulful Pebbles.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.