Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A new love will cause your heart to swell, leading to a New England Journal Of Medicine article about sexually transmitted myocardial illness.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After the traumatic events of next Friday, you'll never again wear pants with an ass in them.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will be devastated when Leonard Maltin calls the story of your life "tepid and predictable."
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A living example of the emerging breed of new-media consumer, you will experience a certain amount of difficulty understanding Melville's Moby Dick.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will soon enter a new phase of your life when you slide down the birth canal and out the vaginal opening.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, regardless.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
All the casual sex you've been having with random strangers will not help you find inner peace. It doesn't seem to hurt the strangers, though.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Sagittarius would love it if somebody did a cover of Duran Duran's "Notorious," but sang "Sagittarius" instead of "notorious." It could be really cool if done right.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Success will soon rain down upon you. So will searing flames and rocks the size of tract homes.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
This week, you find yourself counting down the top 100 old-school jams of all time with the sexy and soulful Pebbles.
