Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Try to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will soon learn the secrets of the butterflies. Their stark, unrelenting malice will drive you gibberingly insane.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
There's an old adage, "If there's a gun in the story, it's got to go off." Well, your story now has a pair of breeding mountain gorillas in it.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your suicide note elicits remorse from the person who finds it in the pocket of the old coat they bought at Goodwill.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Don't worry: Suppressed-memory theory has been largely discredited, so it's almost certain that your uncle didn't do all those things you're starting to recall.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will somehow find a way to steer every conversation toward the uselessness of the NFL preseason.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be overwhelmed by feelings of despair and helplessness this week, especially while drowning.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Now that the stars think about it, last week's dark, handsome stranger wasn't really all that dark or handsome, after all. He was also your regional manager, wasn't he? Oops! Sorry.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Aquarius has no idea who put that bumper sticker on his car, but please stop asking about his grandchildren.
