Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Stop complaining that no one cares if you live or die. It's only half true.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The stars would like to tell you about the naked ladies and the $50 billion in Nazi gold, but if you didn't believe us about the dark stranger, you'll never buy this.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Cancer has had a real hard time lately, what with Mrs. Cancer moving out and all, so why don't you just decide your own damn destiny this week? Assholes.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will take a long journey, half of it over water, the other half plunging down through the water in a mass of still-burning jet fuel and twisted aluminum.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Once the initial uproar over the killer bees has died down, attention will turn to the Virgo who placed them in the HVAC system. Plead no contest.
Libra September 23 - October 23
In a nutshell: Everybody knows. They hate you for it. They're absolutely right to feel that way. It will be born dead.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your date with Dave will go swimmingly until the part in which the waiter turns out to be an escaped zoo monkey.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Christ Himself couldn't save you from what Fate has in store for you this week, but it sure is nice that He showed up to tell you Himself.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You'll have another one of "those dreams," but at least this time you won't wake up to find your pillow missing.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If someone says "the," "a," or "and" to you one more time, you're gonna scream.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Pisces is getting the feeling that you never pay it any attention unless you want something.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.