Haikuscopes

Haikuscopes

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer

August 16, 2000 | Issue 36•28

 

Aries March 21 - April 19

the heavenly spheres
influence your pale wan soul
to eat fatty snacks

 

Taurus April 20 - May 20

the cell phone yet rings
though an angered motorist
jams it in your skull

 

Gemini May 21 - June 21

it is not your fault
when your tortured broken heart
spatters pallbearers

 

Cancer June 22 - July 22

the pale morning mist
reveals your prints on the fat
dead prostitute's ass

 

Leo July 23 - August 22

in my restaurant–
aren't you funny, mister
that-wasn't-chicken?

 

Virgo August 23 - September 22

the insouciant
mosquito tickles my ear
goddamn mosquitoes

 

Libra September 23 - October 23

the boss' young wife
what a triumph!–but, oh, crap
all over her thigh

 

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

an office stapler
the wrong tool for seppuku
don't let that stop you

 

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

mr. matthau and
ragtag gang of lost children
could never beat us

 

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

five syllables, then
seven, then five syllables
blah blah fucking blah

 

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

what were you thinking
dumbass atom-bomb-dropping
white motherfuckers?

 

Pisces February 19 - March 20

you will never reach
perfection in your stagnant
culture, O round-eyes

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Past Horoscopes

September 30, 2008

Issue 44•40

Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.

September 23, 2008

Issue 44•39

Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!

September 16, 2008

Issue 44•38

Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.

September 9, 2008

Issue 44•37

Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.

September 2, 2008

Issue 44•36

Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.

August 26, 2008

Issue 44•35

Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.

August 19, 2008

Issue 44•34

Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.

August 12, 2008

Issue 44•33

Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.

August 5, 2008

Issue 44•32

Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.

See All Horoscopes

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