Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
In your explanation to the EMTs, you get no further than the part where you were "just trying to get the badger back into the mason jar."
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Mercury ascends briefly in Taurus this week but then suddenly disappears when the sun explodes.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
It's not easy to sit up in the sky and tell the people of the world their fortunes. That's why the stars have been imagining them in their underwear lately.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your life will be imbued with a deep sadness this week, but you'll be able to ignore it as usual.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will have plenty of time to reflect on the vagaries of modern capitalism while being dragged behind a Learjet by your tie next week.
Libra September 23 - October 23
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you that a miraculous breakthrough in the treatment of post-metastasized brain tumors couldn't cure.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Happily, that person you met over the Internet will turn out to be a kind, personable, well-balanced individual. You're the stalker.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This week, you will provide a good example of what happens to people who undertip funeral directors.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Sure enough, if you drive the ice-cream truck backwards, it plays "Pop Goes The Weasel" backwards, too. See how fast you can play it backwards!
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If someone tells you that whales are not fish but aquatic mammals one more time, you're going to kill somebody.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
That's it: Pisces isn't going to do any more horoscopes for you unless you start showing some damn appreciation.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.