Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
In your explanation to the EMTs, you get no further than the part where you were "just trying to get the badger back into the mason jar."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Mercury ascends briefly in Taurus this week but then suddenly disappears when the sun explodes.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's not easy to sit up in the sky and tell the people of the world their fortunes. That's why the stars have been imagining them in their underwear lately.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your life will be imbued with a deep sadness this week, but you'll be able to ignore it as usual.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will have plenty of time to reflect on the vagaries of modern capitalism while being dragged behind a Learjet by your tie next week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you that a miraculous breakthrough in the treatment of post-metastasized brain tumors couldn't cure.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Happily, that person you met over the Internet will turn out to be a kind, personable, well-balanced individual. You're the stalker.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
This week, you will provide a good example of what happens to people who undertip funeral directors.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Sure enough, if you drive the ice-cream truck backwards, it plays "Pop Goes The Weasel" backwards, too. See how fast you can play it backwards!
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
If someone tells you that whales are not fish but aquatic mammals one more time, you're going to kill somebody.
