Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
In your explanation to the EMTs, you get no further than the part where you were "just trying to get the badger back into the mason jar."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Mercury ascends briefly in Taurus this week but then suddenly disappears when the sun explodes.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's not easy to sit up in the sky and tell the people of the world their fortunes. That's why the stars have been imagining them in their underwear lately.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your life will be imbued with a deep sadness this week, but you'll be able to ignore it as usual.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will have plenty of time to reflect on the vagaries of modern capitalism while being dragged behind a Learjet by your tie next week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you that a miraculous breakthrough in the treatment of post-metastasized brain tumors couldn't cure.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Happily, that person you met over the Internet will turn out to be a kind, personable, well-balanced individual. You're the stalker.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
This week, you will provide a good example of what happens to people who undertip funeral directors.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Sure enough, if you drive the ice-cream truck backwards, it plays "Pop Goes The Weasel" backwards, too. See how fast you can play it backwards!
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
If someone tells you that whales are not fish but aquatic mammals one more time, you're going to kill somebody.
