Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Behavioral scientists Robinson and Godbey once postulated that human activity is almost infinite in meaning and form. Except yours.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The spider you befriend while in prison will amaze you by spinning a web reading "SOME MURDERER" above your bunk before your parole hearing.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will go bankrupt selling a set of enthusiastically narrated audio tapes designed to help you learn to relax while you sleep.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your attempts to live a life of the mind will prove less successful than your attempts to live a life of the stomach.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Dengue, or bonebreak fever, is carried by the insect Aedes aegypti and occurs only in the tropics, which makes your death doubly surprising.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will continue to suspect that the honest, down-to-earth woman you love is faking her organic gardening.
Libra September 23 - October 23
No matter how often you administer the damn things, home pregnancy tests continue to remind you that you are male.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will soon find yourself in such dire financial straits, you will not even be able to afford to pay attention.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You're not the kind of person who has conversations with her dead grandmother all day, so it would be nice if she'd stop talking to you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your anxiety concerning your place in the universe is allayed when you remember that it's a cute little house on Willard Street, just off the park.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will receive a letter from ex-boxer Leon Spinks, who threatens to reveal himself as your long-lost son unless he receives $9 in unmarked bills.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your week will be entirely uneventful after the thing with the church fire.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.