Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Behavioral scientists Robinson and Godbey once postulated that human activity is almost infinite in meaning and form. Except yours.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The spider you befriend while in prison will amaze you by spinning a web reading "SOME MURDERER" above your bunk before your parole hearing.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will go bankrupt selling a set of enthusiastically narrated audio tapes designed to help you learn to relax while you sleep.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your attempts to live a life of the mind will prove less successful than your attempts to live a life of the stomach.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Dengue, or bonebreak fever, is carried by the insect Aedes aegypti and occurs only in the tropics, which makes your death doubly surprising.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will continue to suspect that the honest, down-to-earth woman you love is faking her organic gardening.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
No matter how often you administer the damn things, home pregnancy tests continue to remind you that you are male.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will soon find yourself in such dire financial straits, you will not even be able to afford to pay attention.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're not the kind of person who has conversations with her dead grandmother all day, so it would be nice if she'd stop talking to you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your anxiety concerning your place in the universe is allayed when you remember that it's a cute little house on Willard Street, just off the park.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will receive a letter from ex-boxer Leon Spinks, who threatens to reveal himself as your long-lost son unless he receives $9 in unmarked bills.
