Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Forces beyond your understanding have decreed that you will have a pretty much average week.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
If string theory is right about the structure of our universe, then all three spatial dimensions are circular. Just like all three of your spatial dimensions, tubbo!
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You can only hope that history will recognize that you had to destroy the cream pie in order to save it in two different sized Cool Whip containers.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You should tell your lover how much you dislike the sweater she bought you. This will help ensure that she won't bury you in it next week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You still aren't sure what Keats meant when he called Milton "Chief of organic numbers! / Old scholar of the spheres!" after seeing a single lock of his hair.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Ballet dancing will ruin your feet by the time you're 35, even though you've never danced and are, in fact, a line cook.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The unstoppable machinery of fate has set in motion irreversible events which shall inexorably lead to your acquisition of an unwanted nickname.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You knew your new boyfriend was high-maintenance, but you didn't think you'd have to do all the feeding and wiping yourself.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The tragic events of next Thursday will finally teach you that there aren't any good pranks you can pull using a kidney-dialysis machine.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars indicate that this is a good week for your love lifeñeven in the Southern Hemisphere, where different stars are visible.
