Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your execution by lethal injection will spark endless debate on whether capital punishment in America is cool-looking enough.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't be superstitious: The camera doesn't steal a piece of your soul every time it captures your image. Just look at all those people on the TV.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The stars have decided that you, Steven P. Kreindler, wannabe Eurotrash vulture, will never get laid again.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
If there were a way to foretell next week without a tall dark stranger, a journey over water, or an old flame who still burns for you, we would. Sorry.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You've always felt that your father is in Heaven watching over you, a belief that's kept you from getting a good night's sleep for 24 years.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
At the end of the day, the important thing is that you stood up to the shark and didn't run away like a sissy.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Nailing the parrot to your shoulder may keep it secure while you're climbing the rigging or sailing rough seas, but it'll also make it harder to replace.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will be overjoyed next week to meet the most shameless slut the world has ever known, at long last ending your search for your real mother.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You've changed, man. The stars remember when it was all about the future and your fortune, not all this other bullshit.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Jesus isn't likely to accept your last-minute deathbed repentance, so remind Him firmly that He doesn't make the rules.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You have no idea how petty your ethnic squabbles seem to people outside of the Des Moines area.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your academic reputation will be ruined when the truth comes out that your dissertation's central thesis is identical to the plot of Monkey Trouble.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.