Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your execution by lethal injection will spark endless debate on whether capital punishment in America is cool-looking enough.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Don't be superstitious: The camera doesn't steal a piece of your soul every time it captures your image. Just look at all those people on the TV.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The stars have decided that you, Steven P. Kreindler, wannabe Eurotrash vulture, will never get laid again.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
If there were a way to foretell next week without a tall dark stranger, a journey over water, or an old flame who still burns for you, we would. Sorry.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've always felt that your father is in Heaven watching over you, a belief that's kept you from getting a good night's sleep for 24 years.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
At the end of the day, the important thing is that you stood up to the shark and didn't run away like a sissy.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Nailing the parrot to your shoulder may keep it secure while you're climbing the rigging or sailing rough seas, but it'll also make it harder to replace.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be overjoyed next week to meet the most shameless slut the world has ever known, at long last ending your search for your real mother.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've changed, man. The stars remember when it was all about the future and your fortune, not all this other bullshit.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Jesus isn't likely to accept your last-minute deathbed repentance, so remind Him firmly that He doesn't make the rules.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You have no idea how petty your ethnic squabbles seem to people outside of the Des Moines area.
