Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your decision to put on a show to save the old malt shop will result in your arrest for public nudity, indecent behavior, and violation of six health codes.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The stars indicate that this is a good time to start new projects. At the same time, your neighbor's dog indicates it's a good time to kill young couples.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
A cake, some candles, and a few token gifts will soon mark your passage into an exciting new demographic.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Though you're getting pretty good at interpreting your dreams, you're still piss-poor at interpreting things that happen when you're awake.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The story of your life has been quiet so far, but don't worry: They've decided to cut out a bunch of boring exposition and get right to the final bloody chase scene.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your decision to go back to nature conveniently ignores the fact that you're not from nature, but Los Angeles.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Being a parent is a new challenge every day. The specific challenge next Monday is explaining why you had to nail the puppies to the ceiling-fan blades.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
After sleeping with someone who is not your spouse, you will suffer horrible guilt, which would be understandable if you were married.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You're known as a really decent character. This is because you are a D&D character named Gryth The Decent.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
James Joyce's Ulysses put forth the idea that every one of us is a hero just for getting through an average day in our lives. Congratulations, hero.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It's said that life is like a bowl of cherries. But for most people, the metaphor breaks down faster than it does for you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
It turns out that intellectual awareness of the consequences of putting your hand in a meat grinder is very different from the actual experience.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.