Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your decision to put on a show to save the old malt shop will result in your arrest for public nudity, indecent behavior, and violation of six health codes.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars indicate that this is a good time to start new projects. At the same time, your neighbor's dog indicates it's a good time to kill young couples.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A cake, some candles, and a few token gifts will soon mark your passage into an exciting new demographic.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Though you're getting pretty good at interpreting your dreams, you're still piss-poor at interpreting things that happen when you're awake.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The story of your life has been quiet so far, but don't worry: They've decided to cut out a bunch of boring exposition and get right to the final bloody chase scene.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your decision to go back to nature conveniently ignores the fact that you're not from nature, but Los Angeles.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Being a parent is a new challenge every day. The specific challenge next Monday is explaining why you had to nail the puppies to the ceiling-fan blades.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
After sleeping with someone who is not your spouse, you will suffer horrible guilt, which would be understandable if you were married.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're known as a really decent character. This is because you are a D&D character named Gryth The Decent.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
James Joyce's Ulysses put forth the idea that every one of us is a hero just for getting through an average day in our lives. Congratulations, hero.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It's said that life is like a bowl of cherries. But for most people, the metaphor breaks down faster than it does for you.
