Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will realize that just because an idea comes to you in a dream doesn't make it any good after spending millions establishing a projectile-flooring business.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You've stuck to your diet and deserve a reward. Let yourself come between an enraged mother polar bear and her cubs just this once.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
After discovering the lost manuscript to George Orwell's 1975, you are silenced by the government for knowing subversively kitschy secrets.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
There are some things that only become funny when you look back on them years later. Next Wednesday, however, will seem funny almost instantly.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your word will never be bond again when you violate your age-old vow never to be caught dead in beige pumps.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Not to make you feel any worse, but even Virgo knows that drawing to fill an inside straight is a bad idea. Idiot.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will be praised by needy upper-middle-class families everywhere when you found the first charity dedicated to helping the vacation-home-less.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will be metaphorically drawn and quartered after misusing the word "literally" four times in one conversation.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your impromptu conga line across the Mideast will somehow fail to bring peace to the region.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will witness many instances of comedy as a delightful, if unexpected, secondary benefit of next week's floor-buttering experiment.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Remember: You didn't become a screen-door-factory worker for the money or the fame. Remind yourself of this constantly.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will spend an entire day in New York City without meeting a soul. You will, however, meet dozens of actual people.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.