Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will realize that just because an idea comes to you in a dream doesn't make it any good after spending millions establishing a projectile-flooring business.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've stuck to your diet and deserve a reward. Let yourself come between an enraged mother polar bear and her cubs just this once.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After discovering the lost manuscript to George Orwell's 1975, you are silenced by the government for knowing subversively kitschy secrets.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
There are some things that only become funny when you look back on them years later. Next Wednesday, however, will seem funny almost instantly.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your word will never be bond again when you violate your age-old vow never to be caught dead in beige pumps.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Not to make you feel any worse, but even Virgo knows that drawing to fill an inside straight is a bad idea. Idiot.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be praised by needy upper-middle-class families everywhere when you found the first charity dedicated to helping the vacation-home-less.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be metaphorically drawn and quartered after misusing the word "literally" four times in one conversation.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your impromptu conga line across the Mideast will somehow fail to bring peace to the region.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will witness many instances of comedy as a delightful, if unexpected, secondary benefit of next week's floor-buttering experiment.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Remember: You didn't become a screen-door-factory worker for the money or the fame. Remind yourself of this constantly.
