Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You're known to all as a person who doesn't bother hiding her feeling. That's not a typo. You've only got one.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't go around wondering what people say about you. If you knew, you'd only learn a lot of unpleasant things about yourself.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Remember, really cool people don't need drugs to have a good time. They need to take drugs to have a good time.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The funny thing about next Monday won't seem very funny to you, but rest assured that it'll be hilarious to the bartender, the coroner, and all the monkeys.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A prospective employer, during the course of a job interview, will ask you what you believe to be your worst quality, a question which leads inexorably to his suicide some days later.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
All things considered, it's a good thing you aren't in the prostitution business for the money.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your superhero career is born when a knock on the head from a radioactive evergreen tree gives you the proportionate strength and speed of a Douglas fir.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The next few days will be a good time for the Zodiac to take some time for itself and get things done. Scorpio has a life outside of you, you know.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Surprisingly enough, the end of your life will include 20 minutes of credits, copyright information, and a rather sad zither-based closing theme.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will have a sudden flash of insight in the bathtub and run down the street enlightened, exultant, and naked, only to find out it's been done.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The old saying, "It'll never heal if you pick at it," will save your life this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Don't worry: There will be very little pain, and it will be over almost instantly. However, "it" in this instance refers to lunch.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.