Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You're known to all as a person who doesn't bother hiding her feeling. That's not a typo. You've only got one.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Don't go around wondering what people say about you. If you knew, you'd only learn a lot of unpleasant things about yourself.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember, really cool people don't need drugs to have a good time. They need to take drugs to have a good time.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The funny thing about next Monday won't seem very funny to you, but rest assured that it'll be hilarious to the bartender, the coroner, and all the monkeys.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A prospective employer, during the course of a job interview, will ask you what you believe to be your worst quality, a question which leads inexorably to his suicide some days later.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
All things considered, it's a good thing you aren't in the prostitution business for the money.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your superhero career is born when a knock on the head from a radioactive evergreen tree gives you the proportionate strength and speed of a Douglas fir.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The next few days will be a good time for the Zodiac to take some time for itself and get things done. Scorpio has a life outside of you, you know.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Surprisingly enough, the end of your life will include 20 minutes of credits, copyright information, and a rather sad zither-based closing theme.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will have a sudden flash of insight in the bathtub and run down the street enlightened, exultant, and naked, only to find out it's been done.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The old saying, "It'll never heal if you pick at it," will save your life this week.
