Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You're known to all as a person who doesn't bother hiding her feeling. That's not a typo. You've only got one.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Don't go around wondering what people say about you. If you knew, you'd only learn a lot of unpleasant things about yourself.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember, really cool people don't need drugs to have a good time. They need to take drugs to have a good time.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The funny thing about next Monday won't seem very funny to you, but rest assured that it'll be hilarious to the bartender, the coroner, and all the monkeys.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A prospective employer, during the course of a job interview, will ask you what you believe to be your worst quality, a question which leads inexorably to his suicide some days later.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
All things considered, it's a good thing you aren't in the prostitution business for the money.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your superhero career is born when a knock on the head from a radioactive evergreen tree gives you the proportionate strength and speed of a Douglas fir.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The next few days will be a good time for the Zodiac to take some time for itself and get things done. Scorpio has a life outside of you, you know.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Surprisingly enough, the end of your life will include 20 minutes of credits, copyright information, and a rather sad zither-based closing theme.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will have a sudden flash of insight in the bathtub and run down the street enlightened, exultant, and naked, only to find out it's been done.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The old saying, "It'll never heal if you pick at it," will save your life this week.
