Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You know, the stars are beginning to suspect that it is no longer possible for a competent person to be elected president of this nation.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
An assassin from the future will attempt to prevent the birth of the next Hitler by materializing in your bedroom at a particularly awkward moment.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The ghost of Hemingway appears to you in a dream and explains for the last time that the old man was an old man, the sea was the sea, and the fish was just a fish.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
We're sorry. Last week's prediction of "a night journey over water" should indeed have read "waterfall." Best wishes for your speedy recovery.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Mercury ascendant in Leo indicates that your mother so fat she gots her own damn ZIP code.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
One of your greatest problems is your inability to ignore oversimplified, arbitrary, and potentially unsound advice from dubious sources.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You are decidedly nonplussed when you receive the entire America Online corporation free in the mail this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The life's work of poet Wallace Stevens will change you forever when it falls from the top shelf onto your head, paralyzing you from the neck down.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your name will appear several times in the coroner's report, smudged though it will be by tears of laughter and overenthusiastic highlighting.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You might have decided that you don't believe in God, but that's okay–He believes in Himself.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Job-related burnout can be tough, but keep in mind that you fulfill a necessary function. After all, those nurses aren't going to strangle themselves.
