Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Perhaps next time someone asks you if you'd like a knuckle sandwich, you should simply answer, "No, thank you."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Though you often dismiss it as "only a game," you really ought to take your job as a liquid-petroleum fuel-truck driver a little more seriously.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You know what? Gemini is starting to think there was something, well, funny about Paul Lynde.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your long-term career plans hit a few snags when it turns out the Internet economy has reached saturation, and voodoo doesn't work.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars would like you to know that, though the temperature has really been up there lately, they sure didn't order this heat!
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
It's slowly beginning to dawn on you that the best minds of today can't help you if you remove them from their skulls.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in Heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
If you don't do something to revitalize your career soon, people will only remember you as "that rapper guy from the BluBlockers ad."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your boast that you can "lick any man in the house" backfires when it turns out that "lick" also means "beat up."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will awake from a horrible nightmare in which you lived in a racially and economically divided caste-based society.
