Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Although your life has been uneventful up until now, there is something special in store for Aries.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Due to an odd arrangement of the constellations, you will be born the oldest son of Thomas Fludd, Treasurer of War to Queen Elizabeth, later this week.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will receive a mass-mailed document from God informing you that, despite earlier third-party claims to the contrary, He does indeed make junk.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your shy and retiring temperament does not preclude your running down the street naked and on fire next Thursday.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will be publicly ridiculed when the ghost of Jose Canseco denies your story.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You know, Virgo has to admit itñyou're just such a nutty wack-meister that the stars have no gosh-darned idea what you're going to do next!
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You may be tired of your migraines, but don't worry. There's only one left to go.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Although you believe that Grandma's hands are now guiding you from Heaven, she's actually trying to get the undertaker's stitches out of her eyes with her left while scratching feebly at the coffin lid with her right.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The day of judgment is finally upon you, but you may still avoid the wrath of the universe: Skip the lame excuses and just pay the stupid speeding ticket.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's really starting to look like you'll never be asked to join Split Enz.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your tragic visit to the U.S. Mint is a windfall for coin collectors, who will soon pay up to $1,000 for pennies stamped with tiny pieces of you.
