Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your purpose in life will be discovered this week when your oddly shaped body slides easily into the circus cannon.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
For the last time: Do not sacrifice goats to Taurus. That's not how it works.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Though the Doors Of Perception have failed to open for you, the Doors Of Eating A Whole Box Of Dove Bars swing wide at your slightest touch.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It's never too late to start your life over, but hurryñyou have only minutes.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Though they may do your bidding for the moment, beware: The robots are not your friends.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You have a distinct, everpresent odor. The stars indicate, however, that it shouldn't be considered a problem odor.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You are like a Greek god, what with the way you drink, cavort with shepherdesses, and throw your dishes around while shouting "Opa!"
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Romance will transform your life into a love story, one which comes to a deus ex machina ending when a 747 falls out of the sky and kills both of you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your argument that there is nothing in the Bible against your hobby falls apart when the prison pastor directs your attention to the Fifth Commandment.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your life hits a new low when you overhear Todd Bridges asking Jerry Mathers what the hell ever happened to you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your spiritual transportation into a new dimension sours somewhat when it turns out to be a new dimension in wallcoverings.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.