Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will suddenly, mercifully pass away during your dinner date's lecture on the spathic qualities of igneous rocks.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The presence of Mercury in your sign indicates that this will be a good week for you, but the presence of mercury in your tap water says otherwise.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will dashingly send out for an enchanting pizza and fall gloriously asleep in front of the majestic television.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A mysterious voice from the distant '70s will repeatedly exhort you to do it 'til you're satisfied.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Stop worrying about the effect the asteroids are having on your horoscope. It's just plain unscientific.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It's true: Nobody appreciates an attractive, well-made vinyl floor covering more than you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You are actually the reincarnated spirit of the Greek hero Ulysses, which actually isn't very good news for you, your wife, your dog, or several of your fellow sailors.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You don't know the words to Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The USA," but don't let that stop you. Just shout "Born in the USA!" over and over again.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will wake up to discover that it was all just a dream, pissing off audiences across the country.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You're beginning to think you should have listened to your mother when she said, "Look out for that train, son."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though you've lost almost everything you once loved, you've also gained many, many pounds.
