Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will suddenly, mercifully pass away during your dinner date's lecture on the spathic qualities of igneous rocks.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The presence of Mercury in your sign indicates that this will be a good week for you, but the presence of mercury in your tap water says otherwise.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will dashingly send out for an enchanting pizza and fall gloriously asleep in front of the majestic television.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
A mysterious voice from the distant '70s will repeatedly exhort you to do it 'til you're satisfied.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Stop worrying about the effect the asteroids are having on your horoscope. It's just plain unscientific.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
It's true: Nobody appreciates an attractive, well-made vinyl floor covering more than you.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You are actually the reincarnated spirit of the Greek hero Ulysses, which actually isn't very good news for you, your wife, your dog, or several of your fellow sailors.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You don't know the words to Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The USA," but don't let that stop you. Just shout "Born in the USA!" over and over again.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will wake up to discover that it was all just a dream, pissing off audiences across the country.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You're beginning to think you should have listened to your mother when she said, "Look out for that train, son."
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Though you've lost almost everything you once loved, you've also gained many, many pounds.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will embark on a quest for the Seven Mystic Keys which will enable you to enter your home, car, and office.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.