Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Narrow-mindedness and jealousy on the part of your coworkers will lead them to denounce your neckties.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
All of your hard work and planning will come to nothing if you don't remember to wipe your prints off the tire iron.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Even the mighty Ozymandias was brought low by time. If possible, live your life without this mysterious phenomenon.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Cancer and the StarCrab logo are the property of Zodiacorp Enterprises and may not be used without the company's express written permission.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Though you appreciate the undergarment-related efforts of Inspector 12, it's unsettling when her little sticker starts showing up all over your house.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your attempt to revolutionize the world of art backfires when you realize that people have been photographing naked ladies for years.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your outgoing nature, sweet temperament, and love of family are in no way evident outside of your description as a Libra.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Though you've tried to impose your full will upon them, you still lack control over the inhabitants of your aquarium.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
It's not true that no one hears your cries for help. They hear and ignore your cries for help.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your plan to put on a fun dance show to raise money will save your financially threatened strip club.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Earth magick is strong in your sign this week. You know, if there were such a thing as shit magick, it'd probably be pretty strong in your sign, too.
