Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Narrow-mindedness and jealousy on the part of your coworkers will lead them to denounce your neckties.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
All of your hard work and planning will come to nothing if you don't remember to wipe your prints off the tire iron.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Even the mighty Ozymandias was brought low by time. If possible, live your life without this mysterious phenomenon.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Cancer and the StarCrab logo are the property of Zodiacorp Enterprises and may not be used without the company's express written permission.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Though you appreciate the undergarment-related efforts of Inspector 12, it's unsettling when her little sticker starts showing up all over your house.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your attempt to revolutionize the world of art backfires when you realize that people have been photographing naked ladies for years.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your outgoing nature, sweet temperament, and love of family are in no way evident outside of your description as a Libra.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Though you've tried to impose your full will upon them, you still lack control over the inhabitants of your aquarium.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
It's not true that no one hears your cries for help. They hear and ignore your cries for help.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your plan to put on a fun dance show to raise money will save your financially threatened strip club.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Earth magick is strong in your sign this week. You know, if there were such a thing as shit magick, it'd probably be pretty strong in your sign, too.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
It's true that Pisces is a water sign, but that won't help you survive the crushing black depths of the Marianas Trench.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.