Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your death will not be in vain, as it will give the hero a chance to say, "Now, that's what I call using your head."
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Though many people say that you are an all-around decent guy, that's only what they say to your face.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You are about to become a small but important player in the exciting game of organ donation.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
A stranger approaches you, tells you that your fear of people reading your mind is baseless, and levitates away.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The opening of your soul's seven mystic portals will excite you less than the opening of the new Gap Kids store.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Though it's the sign of the virgin, Virgo would like you to know that it is, in fact, experienced. It's just choosy.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your loneliness, isolation, and near-suicidal depression will continue for another six months, causing you to get used to it and actually miss it when it finally goes away.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will be the envy of your community when you harness the power of your chi to eat a 60-ounce steak in less than an hour.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This is an excellent week for your creative side, spelling doom for your promising career in marketing.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You suspect that someone is trying to tell you something when your telephone emits an intermittent ringing tone.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will make the right choice between a rich, fulfilling social life and rich, filling desserts.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will nearly die of outrage when you see the bottom-feeding losers who made People's list of America's 100 Most Eligible Bachelors.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.