Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Smuggling yourself across the border hidden in a truckload of radishes would have worked, had you been able to control your insatiable appetite for radishes.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
If there's one thing you should try to learn from next week's events, it's the precise melting point of aluminum.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While it's true you're not a salmon, there's really no reason you shouldn't at least try swimming upriver to spawn.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Between the drug money, blood money, and hush money, it's a wonder you have anything left to spend on sex.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Once again, it's a rotten week for romance in the office, which is too bad, as you are self-employed and work from home.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
A last-minute pardon from the governor will spare your life, strangely punctuating what, up until then, had been an uneventful night of TV.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Never in your wildest notary-public dreams did you think the job would involve so little wanton sexuality.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
This week proves the adage that the race does not always go to the swift, but to the promoter and concession holder.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're not the type of person who looks for a certain physical type in a mate, mostly because you have a seven-person staff to do that for you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You tell everyone that your belief in Jesus helped you win your long battle with alcoholism, but, really, the whole thing only lasted three days.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You know they've had their setbacks, but you're starting to wonder if the members of Queen are ever going to make good on their promise to rock you.
