Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Sun Tzu said that victory without conflict is the ultimate success for any general. That said, be prepared to lose a bloody battle with your weight.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
What you're feeling now hurts, there's no denying that. But try to remember that, when he died, Joey Ramone was writing songs about his stock portfolio.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You tend to hate and fear that which you do not understand. But since you're such a big genius, your hatred and fear of soap must come from some other source, Mr. Stinky.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
This week, you will find that, contrary to popular belief, the unexamined life is quite worth living.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Sometimes, you have to do things you just don't want to do. Try to figure out a way not to do these things.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The problem with people like you isn't that you love too much. It's what you love that gets you brought up on charges.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You're more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some entertaining, tightly wound psychoses in there, too.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
To answer your repeated queries: Yes, the stars can see your house from up here.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Attempts will be made to compare thee to a summer's day, but after the part about the temperature being 98.6º, the metaphor breaks down.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will be reincarnated as a being whose status is commensurate with your behavior in your last life. Enjoy governing Texas, you nurse-murdering bastard.
