Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Sun Tzu said that victory without conflict is the ultimate success for any general. That said, be prepared to lose a bloody battle with your weight.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
What you're feeling now hurts, there's no denying that. But try to remember that, when he died, Joey Ramone was writing songs about his stock portfolio.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You tend to hate and fear that which you do not understand. But since you're such a big genius, your hatred and fear of soap must come from some other source, Mr. Stinky.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week, you will find that, contrary to popular belief, the unexamined life is quite worth living.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Sometimes, you have to do things you just don't want to do. Try to figure out a way not to do these things.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The problem with people like you isn't that you love too much. It's what you love that gets you brought up on charges.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You're more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some entertaining, tightly wound psychoses in there, too.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
To answer your repeated queries: Yes, the stars can see your house from up here.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Attempts will be made to compare thee to a summer's day, but after the part about the temperature being 98.6º, the metaphor breaks down.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be reincarnated as a being whose status is commensurate with your behavior in your last life. Enjoy governing Texas, you nurse-murdering bastard.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.