Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will learn that you are 1/64th Chippewa. Honor your heritage by finding a use for every part of the burrito.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Strangely, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A vision of Christ will appear before you, page through His Heavenly Book Of Geminis, read your chapter to Himself, and disappear laughing.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
This will be a lucky week, indeed, since no one enjoys a good concussion more than you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
When you boasted last week that "nothing can stop me now," you apparently forgot about syphilis.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The Publishers Clearinghouse Prize Patrol will cruelly prank you this week by presenting you with an enormous novelty check for 63 cents.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your near-illiteracy and slavish devotion to '70s retro kitsch lead you to shock and disturb your friends when you unveil your new Pet Cock.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Investigators from several federal agencies will conclude that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your innocent inquiry regarding the origin of the term "panhandler" incites three bums to beat you to death with cast-iron skillets.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had led you to believe.
