Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars indicate that you will meet an attractive Aries the next time you look in the mirror. Sometimes, those stars are just a little too precious.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will not meet any such bears this week.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will fall prey to a strange sexual condition which leaves you unable to achieve orgasm unless certain nerves are repeatedly stimulated.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Venus ascending in your sign may sound sexy, but it's really just a function of its orbit. So don't get all excited.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Though your sign has always been known as The Lion, your tireless work has changed it to The Mattress King.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Let's do Virgo! Virgo, Virgo, bo birgo, banana fanna, fo firgo, fee fi mo mirgoñ Vir-go!
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be unable to stop yourself from falling unconscious for seven hours at a time this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
It's time to put some spice back into your relationship. The stars suggest you might consider having sex once in a while.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
After years of trying, you are finally able to quit drinking next Monday, only to die several days later of advanced dehydration.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will achieve a modicum of fame as a supermodel for the unspeakably ugly plus-sized woman.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your life will be thrown into disarray when you find yourself loving an epic science-fiction film that you know in your heart was really bad.
