Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
When you said no one could tell you how to live your life, you forgot about the warden and all those guards.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will receive an urgent transmission from the Martian government informing you that Mars does not, in fact, need women, so please stop sending them.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The people who brought you Beethoven and Beethoven's 2nd have had time to think about it and are now willing to take them back.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your insistence that mere psychology is behind the recent stock-market swings will go largely unheeded by the other panhandlers.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Does anybody want a perfectly good coffeemaker? The stars are giving up coffee and just want to get rid of the thing. It's a nice one, barely used.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll learn from experience that appointing a 10-member steering committee isn't the best way to drive a truck.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Be assured that the gods of Love and Mercy have heard your pleas for help. They have taped them and enjoy playing them for huge laughs at their god parties.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Scorpio would like to point out that it's a lot easier to predict exciting futures for people who leave the house sometimes.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be struck with an incredible flash of near-divine insight next Tuesday, suddenly making you aware of the reason the chicken crossed the road.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your biting, acerbic sense of humor will be magically transformed into a lightly irreverent, playful one by Hollywood executives.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You just can't shake the feeling that, while he might not have shot anybody, Puffy must be guilty of something.
