Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
here comes a moment in every person's life when one must honestly evaluate one's worth as a human being. You should put this moment off indefinitely.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your replacement by more than 10,000 miles of super-efficient fiber-optic cable is scheduled to begin next week.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
No one will catch your witty, conversational George Romero reference next week, embarrassing you and the entire courtroom.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will inspire a disappointing, half-hearted Lifetime Channel original movie after waking from an eight-hour coma.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will go down in medical history as the first North American to succumb to foot-and-mouth-and-kidney-and-eye-socket-and-lung disease.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Armed government agents will again prohibit you from attending Milan's oh-so-very Spring Fashion Week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
All the time and effort you've put into preparing for your future should come in handy over the next nine days.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
After years of using, selling, and enjoying the stuff, you still can't figure out why they call it "dope."
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Though you've never even heard of the "Cool-O-Meter," you'll score a measly three on it next Wednesday.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll set the custom of open-casket funerals back years when you demand that a rather non-traditional part of your casket be left open.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your flagging interest in the arts will be rekindled by the realization that there is a Bat-girl.
