Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
here comes a moment in every person's life when one must honestly evaluate one's worth as a human being. You should put this moment off indefinitely.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your replacement by more than 10,000 miles of super-efficient fiber-optic cable is scheduled to begin next week.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
No one will catch your witty, conversational George Romero reference next week, embarrassing you and the entire courtroom.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will inspire a disappointing, half-hearted Lifetime Channel original movie after waking from an eight-hour coma.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will go down in medical history as the first North American to succumb to foot-and-mouth-and-kidney-and-eye-socket-and-lung disease.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Armed government agents will again prohibit you from attending Milan's oh-so-very Spring Fashion Week.
Libra September 23 - October 23
All the time and effort you've put into preparing for your future should come in handy over the next nine days.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
After years of using, selling, and enjoying the stuff, you still can't figure out why they call it "dope."
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Though you've never even heard of the "Cool-O-Meter," you'll score a measly three on it next Wednesday.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You'll set the custom of open-casket funerals back years when you demand that a rather non-traditional part of your casket be left open.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your flagging interest in the arts will be rekindled by the realization that there is a Bat-girl.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Though it's demonstrably true that "[you] do not have problems; everyone in the rest of the world does," knowing this will do nothing to help you get along with the other members of human society.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.