Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will lose all credibility when it is revealed that, contrary to your claims, your life is not based on a true story.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Though you don't remember your past, you're not doomed to repeat it. This is because you don't matter much in the grand scheme of things.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Everyone enjoys seeing their name in print, but that is not a good reason to change your name to Janet Reno.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Low-cholesterol diets are of little help to people like yourself who are destined to die in airplane crashes.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It's high time you let go of your obsession with the unwholesome intentions Bluto has toward Olive Oyl.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Mars and Mercury in your sign doesn't always mean you'll be hit by a truck, but this time it does.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your expanding consciousness will bring you deeper and deeper understanding of the universe until your head bursts like an overripe melon.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your full potential for greatness will never be realized unless you shun pointless conflict. This may never happen, however, as you are Northern Ireland.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue being just good friends.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
If walking a mile in another's shoes is good, riding unseen in the back of their car for a mile is even better.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've got it half right: Though professional wrestling is fake, it is not done with cleverly trained poodles.
