Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will lose all credibility when it is revealed that, contrary to your claims, your life is not based on a true story.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Though you don't remember your past, you're not doomed to repeat it. This is because you don't matter much in the grand scheme of things.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Everyone enjoys seeing their name in print, but that is not a good reason to change your name to Janet Reno.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Low-cholesterol diets are of little help to people like yourself who are destined to die in airplane crashes.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It's high time you let go of your obsession with the unwholesome intentions Bluto has toward Olive Oyl.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Mars and Mercury in your sign doesn't always mean you'll be hit by a truck, but this time it does.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your expanding consciousness will bring you deeper and deeper understanding of the universe until your head bursts like an overripe melon.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your full potential for greatness will never be realized unless you shun pointless conflict. This may never happen, however, as you are Northern Ireland.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue being just good friends.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
If walking a mile in another's shoes is good, riding unseen in the back of their car for a mile is even better.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You've got it half right: Though professional wrestling is fake, it is not done with cleverly trained poodles.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The consoling remark, "Hey, everybody dies," is, on second thought, not very consoling at all.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.