Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your simple, pious life as a devout Lutheran is marred only by the giant talking Saint Bernard who seems to follow you everywhere.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Everyone doubted you when you said you were going to bike across the country last summer. Make them feel bad by telling them it's their fault you didn't.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will enjoy an unexpected day off from work when an out-of-control cement mixer runs over your legs.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Some have criticized horoscopy as being a passive method of fortune telling, and Cancer wants to change that. You WILL meet a dark stranger this week. Got it?
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will formulate a mathematical proof based on a paraconstant, quasi-logical, either/or transience that seems to prove that millions of checks are, at this very moment, in the mail.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The devil will appear in a sudden cloud of fire and brimstone to present incontrovertible proof that he did not, in fact, make you do it.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your exciting new job in the hospitality industry will require you to change a lot more bedsheets than you were led to believe.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You still haven't found anything that compares to the adrenaline rush you get from washing down a whole box of blueberry donuts with Strawberry Quik.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You meet your online romance, only to find he's no more exciting than you are.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
What your therapist has been calling "classic Aquarius behavior" is therapist shorthand for "being an asshole."
