Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though you insist you can stop drinking whenever you want, the truth is, you can't seem to function without five or six pints of water a day.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
This is a good week for you to start new projectsñespecially those that involve taking a few dozen inches off your disgusting thighs, for Christ's sake.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A sudden outpouring of love and support from your family will embarrass the hell out of you in front of everyone.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
If stress overwhelms you this week, remember: Relax, take a deep breath, and put the pistol in your mouth, not against your temple.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Though you once thought it was merely a figure of speech, you will have a smirk slapped right off your face.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your plan to rob Fort Knox with a ragtag bunch of old Army buddies will go off without a hitch, leaving you plagued with feelings of guilt.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Though it's been more than three weeks now, you still don't have the heart to ask Ray Walston to leave your house.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your claim that you'll never sell out will be put to the test when you find out how much the labs are paying for a quart of plasma.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will meet a dark stranger this week. Please note that "dark" has at least seven different definitions which might apply in this case.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your making certain not to let your left hand know what the right is doing is negated by the fact that you cannot find your ass with either one.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It's time to assert yourself at work. Stop asking the office "grown-ups" for drinks of water.
