Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Those hot-shot doctors may think your colon cancer is inoperable, but this week you and your trusty Scout knife are going to prove them wrong.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Confusion over the definition of the word "elope" will soon bring you familiarity with Las Vegas' surprisingly comprehensive animal-cruelty laws.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will be chained to a rock, upon which eagles will devour your liver for all eternity, after you steal the secret of a great marinara sauce from the gods.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You didn't think you were the type to marry a convicted murderer after reading his letters, but everyone else did.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Remember, it's perfectly normal for your body to go through some changes while you are in the phase known as "post-mortem deliquescence."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Anger and frustration overtake you when you decide that if you cannot have Betty Rubble, no man will.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
After his untimely death, all those mean things you said about Dave will come back to haunt you. As will Dave himself.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A lovestruck man will play guitar and sing underneath your bedroom window this week, which might be romantic if it weren't Ted Nugent.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will spend the next few days in the company of people who firmly believe that you hate figure skating because of your lack of ability at it.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will soon find yourself entangled in a messy accident with a knife thrower, although drunk driving, not knife throwing, is actually the real issue.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Gustav Holst will appear to you in a dream and refuse to leave until you agree that John Williams has been ripping him off for years.
