Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Those hot-shot doctors may think your colon cancer is inoperable, but this week you and your trusty Scout knife are going to prove them wrong.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Confusion over the definition of the word "elope" will soon bring you familiarity with Las Vegas' surprisingly comprehensive animal-cruelty laws.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will be chained to a rock, upon which eagles will devour your liver for all eternity, after you steal the secret of a great marinara sauce from the gods.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You didn't think you were the type to marry a convicted murderer after reading his letters, but everyone else did.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Remember, it's perfectly normal for your body to go through some changes while you are in the phase known as "post-mortem deliquescence."
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Anger and frustration overtake you when you decide that if you cannot have Betty Rubble, no man will.
Libra September 23 - October 23
After his untimely death, all those mean things you said about Dave will come back to haunt you. As will Dave himself.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
A lovestruck man will play guitar and sing underneath your bedroom window this week, which might be romantic if it weren't Ted Nugent.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will spend the next few days in the company of people who firmly believe that you hate figure skating because of your lack of ability at it.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will soon find yourself entangled in a messy accident with a knife thrower, although drunk driving, not knife throwing, is actually the real issue.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Gustav Holst will appear to you in a dream and refuse to leave until you agree that John Williams has been ripping him off for years.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
It's not true that all the good band names are taken. But if believing that keeps you from starting a band, great.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.