Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will bring shame to your town coroner by causing him to laugh uncontrollably throughout your autopsy.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You are beginning to frighten your family with your insistence that you are Chuck Negron, lead singer of Three Dog Night. That part of your life is over now.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will discover a new, non-Nietzschean snack chip that neither kills you nor makes you stronger.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Try as you might, you won't be able to shake the feeling that someone is ignoring every move you make.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
If Lady Liberty doesn't crack a smile, and soon, Leo's gonna shove that goddamned torch right up her ass.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars wish you'd stop asking them for advice all the time. You're not the only person in the world with problems, you know.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Life often imitates art, but until now, no life has imitated Rodin's Caryatid Who Has Fallen Under The Weight Of Her Stone quite like yours.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A collision with a gas truck will kill you dead as canasta, which, surprisingly, is still played regularly by several thousand devotees nationwide.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your tendency to heed the advice of nebulous celestial manifestations over that of flesh-and-blood people is your greatest asset.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The events of this week will strangely mimic those of every other week you've ever had.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Remember: Faking your own orgasms may be okay, but faking those of others is not.
