Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will bring shame to your town coroner by causing him to laugh uncontrollably throughout your autopsy.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You are beginning to frighten your family with your insistence that you are Chuck Negron, lead singer of Three Dog Night. That part of your life is over now.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will discover a new, non-Nietzschean snack chip that neither kills you nor makes you stronger.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Try as you might, you won't be able to shake the feeling that someone is ignoring every move you make.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
If Lady Liberty doesn't crack a smile, and soon, Leo's gonna shove that goddamned torch right up her ass.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars wish you'd stop asking them for advice all the time. You're not the only person in the world with problems, you know.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Life often imitates art, but until now, no life has imitated Rodin's Caryatid Who Has Fallen Under The Weight Of Her Stone quite like yours.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A collision with a gas truck will kill you dead as canasta, which, surprisingly, is still played regularly by several thousand devotees nationwide.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your tendency to heed the advice of nebulous celestial manifestations over that of flesh-and-blood people is your greatest asset.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The events of this week will strangely mimic those of every other week you've ever had.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Remember: Faking your own orgasms may be okay, but faking those of others is not.
