Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will bring shame to your town coroner by causing him to laugh uncontrollably throughout your autopsy.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You are beginning to frighten your family with your insistence that you are Chuck Negron, lead singer of Three Dog Night. That part of your life is over now.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will discover a new, non-Nietzschean snack chip that neither kills you nor makes you stronger.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Try as you might, you won't be able to shake the feeling that someone is ignoring every move you make.
Leo July 23 - August 22
If Lady Liberty doesn't crack a smile, and soon, Leo's gonna shove that goddamned torch right up her ass.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The stars wish you'd stop asking them for advice all the time. You're not the only person in the world with problems, you know.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Life often imitates art, but until now, no life has imitated Rodin's Caryatid Who Has Fallen Under The Weight Of Her Stone quite like yours.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
A collision with a gas truck will kill you dead as canasta, which, surprisingly, is still played regularly by several thousand devotees nationwide.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your tendency to heed the advice of nebulous celestial manifestations over that of flesh-and-blood people is your greatest asset.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The events of this week will strangely mimic those of every other week you've ever had.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Remember: Faking your own orgasms may be okay, but faking those of others is not.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your inability to distinguish between right and wrong is mitigated by your inability ever to do anything worth mentioning.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.