Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You are loyal, friendly, and an excellent companion. This is not because you are an Aries, but because you are a purebred Sealyham Terrier.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Try to take the long view: No matter how bad things are right now, you'll be dead in a hundred years.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will enjoy a brief moment of national exposure when Fox launches its new series, Geminis Caught On Tape!
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Be careful what you wish for this week. You won't get it, but it never hurts to be careful.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You are a person who marches to the beat of thousands of identical drummers.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be forced to wrest control of your life from others next week. Until then, stay home and practice your wresting.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will expand your consciousness to encompass the Music Of The Spheres, only to realize it consists entirely of circus marches.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will be faced with a cosmic revelation which you are unable to fully comprehend. Don't worry, though: You can always rent it again.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The stars, arranged as they are in a portentous and mystic combination existing only at this precise moment in time, indicate that this is not a good week to start new projects.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Try harder to make yourself understood by others this week by speaking louder and more slowly.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This is no time to sit idly by and let others exercise their will over you, but that's exactly what you'll do.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Not everyone harbors a feeling of icy hatred towards you. Some people's hatred is actually quite fiery.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.