Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You are loyal, friendly, and an excellent companion. This is not because you are an Aries, but because you are a purebred Sealyham Terrier.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Try to take the long view: No matter how bad things are right now, you'll be dead in a hundred years.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will enjoy a brief moment of national exposure when Fox launches its new series, Geminis Caught On Tape!
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Be careful what you wish for this week. You won't get it, but it never hurts to be careful.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will be forced to wrest control of your life from others next week. Until then, stay home and practice your wresting.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will expand your consciousness to encompass the Music Of The Spheres, only to realize it consists entirely of circus marches.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be faced with a cosmic revelation which you are unable to fully comprehend. Don't worry, though: You can always rent it again.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars, arranged as they are in a portentous and mystic combination existing only at this precise moment in time, indicate that this is not a good week to start new projects.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Try harder to make yourself understood by others this week by speaking louder and more slowly.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
This is no time to sit idly by and let others exercise their will over you, but that's exactly what you'll do.
