Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your birthday this week will result in yet another disappointing and under-attended party.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Beware of being influenced by the Moon in this phase of your life. That lunar bastard has his agents everywhere!
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Be careful when your most fundamental beliefs are called into question. You know what Jesus told you no matter what the doctors say.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Remember, rules weren't written for people like you. They were written specifically to exclude people like you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Although the Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter are all in Virgo this week, you shouldn't be alarmed. That's just the kind of thing you'd expect from that slut Virgo.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Libra is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant parole.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The benevolent healing powers of Earth magic are currently very strong in Sagittarius. However, in you, they're barely worth mentioning.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Try to live a simpler and easier existence this week. After this week, though, go right back to indulging your every whim.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Stand up for what you believe in this week. Join the million-Aquarius march for greater Zodiacal representation.
