Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your birthday this week will result in yet another disappointing and under-attended party.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Beware of being influenced by the Moon in this phase of your life. That lunar bastard has his agents everywhere!
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Be careful when your most fundamental beliefs are called into question. You know what Jesus told you no matter what the doctors say.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Remember, rules weren't written for people like you. They were written specifically to exclude people like you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Although the Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter are all in Virgo this week, you shouldn't be alarmed. That's just the kind of thing you'd expect from that slut Virgo.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Libra is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant parole.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will take a journey of a great distance off a short pier this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The benevolent healing powers of Earth magic are currently very strong in Sagittarius. However, in you, they're barely worth mentioning.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Try to live a simpler and easier existence this week. After this week, though, go right back to indulging your every whim.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Stand up for what you believe in this week. Join the million-Aquarius march for greater Zodiacal representation.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.