Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Though you are unable to cultivate a reputation as a great lover of women, yourreputation as an above-average lover of pancakes remains secure.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You can probably put it off for a while, but eventually you'll have to figure out whatall those sirens mean.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
In time, Death comes to all men, but the way he keeps stopping by to have a beer and moan about the Steelers' AFC Championship loss is a little pathetic.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your insistence that "if they wanted people to understand the penal code, they would've written it down somewhere" will only get you so far.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your missing legs don't have to be a handicap. At least not in some strange alternate universe where people are flying saucers from the waist down.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You'll save more than $40,000 by freezing your corpse in a bathtub full of ice instead of springing for the cryogenics.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Even if you live to be 100, you'll never understand homosexuality. But don't let that stop you from having sex with all those guys.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has several pairs he doesn't even wear. Then, you will cry great, heaving sobs until you can hardly even breathe.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You should have realized long before the bag rotted away that the snipe isn't ever coming out.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars say you should be patient and that it can't last forever. They didn't say what they're talking about, though.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.