Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though you are unable to cultivate a reputation as a great lover of women, yourreputation as an above-average lover of pancakes remains secure.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You can probably put it off for a while, but eventually you'll have to figure out whatall those sirens mean.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
In time, Death comes to all men, but the way he keeps stopping by to have a beer and moan about the Steelers' AFC Championship loss is a little pathetic.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your insistence that "if they wanted people to understand the penal code, they would've written it down somewhere" will only get you so far.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your missing legs don't have to be a handicap. At least not in some strange alternate universe where people are flying saucers from the waist down.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll save more than $40,000 by freezing your corpse in a bathtub full of ice instead of springing for the cryogenics.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Even if you live to be 100, you'll never understand homosexuality. But don't let that stop you from having sex with all those guys.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has several pairs he doesn't even wear. Then, you will cry great, heaving sobs until you can hardly even breathe.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You should have realized long before the bag rotted away that the snipe isn't ever coming out.
