Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your refusal to observe the dress code at work may soon get you fired. Perhaps you should admit that one doesn't need a suit and tie to wash dishes.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be forced to leave the army in disgrace when it is discovered that you never enlisted and are not actually a soldier.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Further FAA investigation of the airplane's black box will still be unable to detect anything but your off-key whistling of "O Canada."
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Take some time out for yourself this week. Two or three minutes will do, as you really aren't worth much more.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will gain insight into an exciting new dimension, thanks to a pair of red-and-blue-lensed cardboard spectacles.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
That spare tire around your midsection isn't going away by itself. Invest in a quality set of tire irons.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will be devastated when a New York Times editorial says you have "yet to convince voters that you have a true passion for seeking the presidency."
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The end is in sight. Only one final step remains before you can truly be called a martyr.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Though you are a drug czar, you are not, in fact, Barry McCaffrey, the official U.S. drug czar.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The stars see great tragedy in your future, unless you become more generous with contributions to the Zodiac Widows & Orphans Fund.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be gripped by the delusional suspicion that all of your closest friends on TV are actually just actors in some far-off studio.
Past Horoscopes
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Aries There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Taurus The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Gemini While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is borne of ignorance, your claim that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated this week.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Cancer The streets will run red with the blood of the innocent and the pure this week—so relax, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Leo The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Virgo You're about to embark on an incredible life-changing experience—one involving the collapsing of your lungs, the expansion of your heart, and the rapid evacuation of your bowels.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Libra A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Scorpio Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Sagittarius They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.