Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your refusal to observe the dress code at work may soon get you fired. Perhaps you should admit that one doesn't need a suit and tie to wash dishes.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be forced to leave the army in disgrace when it is discovered that you never enlisted and are not actually a soldier.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Further FAA investigation of the airplane's black box will still be unable to detect anything but your off-key whistling of "O Canada."
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Take some time out for yourself this week. Two or three minutes will do, as you really aren't worth much more.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will gain insight into an exciting new dimension, thanks to a pair of red-and-blue-lensed cardboard spectacles.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
That spare tire around your midsection isn't going away by itself. Invest in a quality set of tire irons.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be devastated when a New York Times editorial says you have "yet to convince voters that you have a true passion for seeking the presidency."
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The end is in sight. Only one final step remains before you can truly be called a martyr.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Though you are a drug czar, you are not, in fact, Barry McCaffrey, the official U.S. drug czar.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars see great tragedy in your future, unless you become more generous with contributions to the Zodiac Widows & Orphans Fund.
