Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your love is a burning love, one whose tremendous depth and strength is not to be denied. Too bad it's a love of pancakes.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will make an exciting and final journey about halfway over water this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will make chess history when you discover that Fisher's fabled Moscow Gambit can be beaten through the use of treachery, deceit, and land mines.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
There may or may not be a new star in Cancer's sky, depending on whether you think Kris Kristofferson is a star.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Though your fiendish plan is overly complicated and bound to fail, everyone agrees that it is remarkably fiendish.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
With the help of an especially long, hot shower, you will singlehandedly bring your apartment into the Age of Steam.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Another week goes by in which major heads of state fail to consult you on crucial foreign-policy decisions.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
If you continue to be persistent in asking Dr. Love, he'll eventually answer. Then you'll be really sorry.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This is no time to selfishly put your own needs before those of loved ones. Wait for summer.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your wife will scream another man's name in the heat of passion, launching you on a 30-year quest to find and kill this mysterious "Honey."
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Most disagreements result from either things you do or things you say. Notice that we did not say "things one does or says," as it's all you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars indicate through little hints and asides that their birthday is coming up, and they would just love that adorable little tennis bracelet.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.