Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjuster to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your problem isn't merely that you love your money more than you love your friends, but that you only have a few hundred bucks.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
"You'll make major waves in the show-biz world when you launch a show called The E! Completely Fabricated Hollywood Story."
Leo July 23 - August 22
Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your colleagues will begin referring to you as the greatest mind they've ever encountered, in much the same way people call the fat guy Tiny.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Sometimes, one must be cruel to be kind. From now on, it's best to assume this is the case until proven otherwise.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You've spent your whole life running from yourself, but considering that it's a murderous cyborg version of yourself from an alternate-universe post-nuclear future, that's understandable.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol, but thankfully, yours aren't that kind.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A team of paramedics won't have the heart to revive you after finding your gin- and sex-drenched body floating happily in a country-club pool.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.