Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Stop worrying so much about what your friends think. You should only care about the opinions of decent people.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You pride yourself on learning something new every day, but next Wednesday will provide you with a greater education in primate anatomy and high-energy physics than you really wanted.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The monsters that rampage through your slumber party will be different from the ones that terrorized Party Beach just a few days ago.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You might be feeling down about your choice of careers this week, but look on the bright side: You're still the best deal in town.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The story of your life turns out to be a ripoff of Donald Westlake's 1975 crime-caper novel Two Much!
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Just keep telling the officers "No hablo Ingles." Unless they're Mexican. In that case, run.
Libra September 23 - October 23
When the girl you picked up at the bar said she could "peel a banana with it," she was actually talking about the Peelerator, a handy, labor-saving device she sells out of her bedroom.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
There's just something about you that screams gay. But that's okay, as it's your voice, and you're doing it on purpose.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A word of advice: Though drywall cement is a substance, it is not the kind that can be abused.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You've always thought that kicking the tires on used cars was smart, but next week you'll encounter a dealer who fills them with nitroglycerine.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You just don't have time for any so-called "rocking" song that doesn't have cowbell-banging in the chorus.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Two-time Academy Award winner Jack Lemmon will call you at home next Thursday to inform you that he has no intention of ever portraying you.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.