Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Stop worrying so much about what your friends think. You should only care about the opinions of decent people.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You pride yourself on learning something new every day, but next Wednesday will provide you with a greater education in primate anatomy and high-energy physics than you really wanted.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The monsters that rampage through your slumber party will be different from the ones that terrorized Party Beach just a few days ago.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You might be feeling down about your choice of careers this week, but look on the bright side: You're still the best deal in town.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The story of your life turns out to be a ripoff of Donald Westlake's 1975 crime-caper novel Two Much!
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Just keep telling the officers "No hablo Ingles." Unless they're Mexican. In that case, run.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
When the girl you picked up at the bar said she could "peel a banana with it," she was actually talking about the Peelerator, a handy, labor-saving device she sells out of her bedroom.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
There's just something about you that screams gay. But that's okay, as it's your voice, and you're doing it on purpose.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A word of advice: Though drywall cement is a substance, it is not the kind that can be abused.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You've always thought that kicking the tires on used cars was smart, but next week you'll encounter a dealer who fills them with nitroglycerine.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You just don't have time for any so-called "rocking" song that doesn't have cowbell-banging in the chorus.
