Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will find yourself torn between two lovers, one who is giving and kind and refuses to let you go, and another who chains you to the bumper of his truck.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While it's true that deciding to begin is half the battle, the rest turns out to be a bloody contest of attrition in the treacherous Khyber Pass.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Sooner or later, you're going to have to stop and think about whose money it is, what the girl's name might be, what's in the bags of white powder, and why that helicopter sound keeps getting louder.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will be disproportionately rewarded for your ability to manipulate a standard-issue baseball.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Events that will eventually win you fame as the Human Tiddlywink are starting to come together in a Pittsburgh manhole-cover factory.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will never completely overcome your murderous rage at the people who turned an anti-corporate Devo song into an ad jingle for Target.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Look on the bright side: After the next four years, they probably won't elect another Republican in your lifetime.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Attempts to bring you to justice will ultimately prove fruitless, forcing justice to come to you with its own fruit.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though the moon seems large in the night sky, you can cover it up with a nickel. However, this will cause an eclipse, so don't do it casually.
