Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will find yourself torn between two lovers, one who is giving and kind and refuses to let you go, and another who chains you to the bumper of his truck.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
While it's true that deciding to begin is half the battle, the rest turns out to be a bloody contest of attrition in the treacherous Khyber Pass.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Sooner or later, you're going to have to stop and think about whose money it is, what the girl's name might be, what's in the bags of white powder, and why that helicopter sound keeps getting louder.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be disproportionately rewarded for your ability to manipulate a standard-issue baseball.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Events that will eventually win you fame as the Human Tiddlywink are starting to come together in a Pittsburgh manhole-cover factory.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will never completely overcome your murderous rage at the people who turned an anti-corporate Devo song into an ad jingle for Target.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Look on the bright side: After the next four years, they probably won't elect another Republican in your lifetime.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Attempts to bring you to justice will ultimately prove fruitless, forcing justice to come to you with its own fruit.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Though the moon seems large in the night sky, you can cover it up with a nickel. However, this will cause an eclipse, so don't do it casually.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be worshipped as a god when you demonstrate your lighter to the natives, all of whom smoke but forgot to bring matches.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.