Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
There's a lot to be said for self-improvement, but making yourself more aerodynamic is probably a waste of time.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your generosity with others pays off this week when the terrorists spare most of the hostages in exchange for a helicopter and one million Swiss francs.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You're one of those hyper-competitive sorts who believe that something as trivial as a foosball loss makes you a lesser person. Well, it does.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
It's time to end your long, foolish disagreement with an old friend. Her pronunciation of "tomato" is, in fact, correct.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Look at it this way: Nine times out of ten, you probably would have charmed that snake.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will commit a classic dating faux pas this week when, at a classy French bistro, you shoot your dinner companion 17 times.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your theory that the human scalp is an ablative heat shield designed to burn off upon re-entry into the atmosphere will be disproved in government tests.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Deny it all you want, but that giant robot from the Queen album cover is real and he hates you.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Just because you once shoplifted a candy bar in Toronto, that doesn't make you a "suave international criminal."
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Try to overcome your fear of trains this week. Stand in front of one to prove it can't possibly hurt you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You can't shake the feeling that there's much more to life than watching Rockford Files reruns all day. However, you can live with it.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars expect you to be professional and abide by their decision to kill you off to boost ratings and move the sluggish storyline along.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.