Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
There's a lot to be said for self-improvement, but making yourself more aerodynamic is probably a waste of time.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your generosity with others pays off this week when the terrorists spare most of the hostages in exchange for a helicopter and one million Swiss francs.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You're one of those hyper-competitive sorts who believe that something as trivial as a foosball loss makes you a lesser person. Well, it does.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It's time to end your long, foolish disagreement with an old friend. Her pronunciation of "tomato" is, in fact, correct.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Look at it this way: Nine times out of ten, you probably would have charmed that snake.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will commit a classic dating faux pas this week when, at a classy French bistro, you shoot your dinner companion 17 times.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your theory that the human scalp is an ablative heat shield designed to burn off upon re-entry into the atmosphere will be disproved in government tests.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Deny it all you want, but that giant robot from the Queen album cover is real and he hates you.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Just because you once shoplifted a candy bar in Toronto, that doesn't make you a "suave international criminal."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Try to overcome your fear of trains this week. Stand in front of one to prove it can't possibly hurt you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You can't shake the feeling that there's much more to life than watching Rockford Files reruns all day. However, you can live with it.
