Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars would have been amazed by your survival on that life raft for three weeks even if it weren't filled with hungry Alaskan brown bears.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Though you've long known where babies come from, you're shocked to discover exactly how they got there.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your first attempt at playwriting might not have the "artsy" quality you were going for, but it will be a runaway hit thanks to its undeniable "fartsy" qualities.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will be struck by a taxi, dragged two blocks, and hospitalized for four months as part of a new "eye for an eye" crime-deterrence program.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After a lifetime of confusion, you'll finally figure out why they call those things "three-ring binders."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You may be a damn good lawyer, but not even you can weather the trials of love with Brian.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Circumstances compel you to finally come out of your shell next week. Unfortunately, you are a hermit crab.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
It doesn't matter how old you getñthose pop-up books are simply the most fun thing in the world.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
How quickly things change: A self-immolation that would have been scandalous 10 years ago seems almost whimsical next week.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Events in your life this week will closely mirror those addressed in the song "Rhinestone Cowboy." Next week: "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald."
