Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report will contain evidence to the contrary.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You're in for an unpleasant surprise when you break society's unwritten rule against murder.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Gemini969 World Series MVP Donn Clendenon would like to have a word with you about his disappointing experience as your childhood sports hero.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You know full well what's going to happen this week: You'll get a job or this relationship is over.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The Bureau of Zodiac Affairs has decided to reserve the star-sign Leo for Native Americans. Please be ready to provide proof of heritage.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The coming of spring means it may finally be time to let the long, lonely trick-or-treat come to an end.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will achieve a sort of fame after being featured on the History Channel's Great Masturbators Of The 1980s.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Despite your best efforts, Portugal still has only the 33rd highest per-capita gross domestic product.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars say you are handsome, smart, and their new best friend, but two seconds later, they ask to borrow your car.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
When planning your week's schedule, don't forget about the part between Tuesday and Friday.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Resolve to finish projects this week. This is no time to stop halfway up the Space Needle with a backpack full of high explosives and Jell-O.
