Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Stop telling everybody you live in a gated community. No matter how you try to dress it up, it's still jail.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You thought becoming a shark hunter would change your life, but it's still pretty much the same, except when you're hunting all those sharks.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Christ will appear to you in a dream but, unfortunately, it's not a very sexy dream.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Despite your claims of historical importance, the authorities still refuse to grant you a permit for your school-shooting re-enactment.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be appalled by the group of self-righteous losers the state considers a jury of your peers.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
There comes a time in every person's life when he or she must stand aside for the younger generation, but your kids are still too young to work the loom.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your own special brand of justice turns out to just be shooting people.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The residents of Walla Walla and Kalamazoo will contact you and demand that you stop using the names of their cities as some kind of weak joke.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Venus in your sign means you're traveling through some rough romantic waters. Bullet holes in the road signs, however, mean you're traveling through Texas.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. It's just too bad you won't be there to see it.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Bad news for your immortal soul: God doesn't believe your claim that you "just didn't see" the train, and suicide is still a mortal sin.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars indicate you shouldn't forget Katya's potluck this Friday at 6 p.m.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.