Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You find yourself shunned by friends when you join a tiny group that believes in such strange, unseen forces as "gravity" and "electromagnetism."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your belief in the impossibility of having a level-headed discussion on the state of American race relations only intensifies when you turn into a horse.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
If you're reading this, we're sorry for predicting your death last week. But if you're reading this without arms, we must say we told you so.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
If you feel bad because you have a funny name, screw you. Our name is fucking Cancer, for Chrissakes.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will find ample empirical evidence proving true the old myth about bulls and the color red.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Kris Kristofferson will appear to you in a dream and tell you to cast off your earthly ways and follow him. At least he looked like Kris Kristofferson.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
An unfortunate typo on your application results in your being accepted into the Legion Of Superherpes.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Though you're basically a good person, you have the habit of looking to strange, random sources for guidance.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be recognized in your community for raising three healthy, well-adjusted children, as well as eight deranged, killer-cannibal children.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your shock upon learning where veal comes from is nothing. Wait until you learn where babies come from.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
If your birthday is this week, multiply your calendar age by 4.8 to get your age in far more telling "Aquarius years."
