Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your next-door neighbor continues to pull her blinds down every night. Perhaps she's trying to hide something.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You finally think of that perfect comeback several days too late, but it wouldn't have affected the judge's decision in the least.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will be deeply disappointed to discover that the "hot new laptop" your boss promised you is just a computer.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars indicate that you are a warm, sweet, thoughtful person who deserves love and respect. They always pull that crap during pledge drives.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The presence of Venus, Mars, and Mercury in your sign just means there's one more party you won't get invited to this week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The strange thing about your death won't be the freak water-buffalo stampede. It'll be the fact that you truly deserved it.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Avoid sexual relationships with your co-workers this week. You might not think they notice, but they do.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars are getting really tired of the way you only come to them when you need something. Did it ever occur to you that they might like a little help with their future for once? God.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You and your spouse should consider spicing things up in the bedroom this week. Why not try having some sex?
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Love looms large this next week. Have fun watching other people experience how great it is.
