Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
The stars say your fear of suitcase-sized nuclear weapons is irrational. You should actually be worried about conventional bombs the size of a tank truck.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be shunned by your fellow pornography lovers because of your sick obsession with "facial phlegmshots."
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Remember: You are just one man. Stop insisting that you're a 1960s girl group.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet, particularly the Asian women in the jury.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Earth magic is strong in your sign this week, which won't help you pass Earth Science.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Turn to family for the support you need this week, unless the support you need is spiritual, emotional, or financial.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your future is looking unusually bright this week, which is no surprise, considering the incredible amounts of burning magnesium it contains.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Trouble looms at the office when interdepartmental tensions come to a head. This may not be all that exciting for you, however, as you are the night janitor.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Major life events will prompt you to remark that you are "not in Kansas anymore," bringing embarrassment to yourself and your fellow Topekans.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be driven to distraction by the vague, indecipherable mutterings of an obviously fraudulent palm reader.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Unexpected events will shake your longtime conviction that life should be more like the cantina scene in Star Wars.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You may think you crave true love, but it's not a game for cowards. Neither is Scrabble.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.