Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars say your fear of suitcase-sized nuclear weapons is irrational. You should actually be worried about conventional bombs the size of a tank truck.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be shunned by your fellow pornography lovers because of your sick obsession with "facial phlegmshots."
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: You are just one man. Stop insisting that you're a 1960s girl group.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet, particularly the Asian women in the jury.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Earth magic is strong in your sign this week, which won't help you pass Earth Science.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Turn to family for the support you need this week, unless the support you need is spiritual, emotional, or financial.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your future is looking unusually bright this week, which is no surprise, considering the incredible amounts of burning magnesium it contains.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Trouble looms at the office when interdepartmental tensions come to a head. This may not be all that exciting for you, however, as you are the night janitor.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Major life events will prompt you to remark that you are "not in Kansas anymore," bringing embarrassment to yourself and your fellow Topekans.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be driven to distraction by the vague, indecipherable mutterings of an obviously fraudulent palm reader.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Unexpected events will shake your longtime conviction that life should be more like the cantina scene in Star Wars.
