Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Looking back, you can't figure out how a win/win situation turned into a win/be savaged by wild boars situation.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Though you think of yourself as having an excellent sense of humor, you really don't see anything funny about fat people, priests walking into bars, or passing gas.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will be shaken to your very core when you are strapped to a four-horsepower hardware-store paint shaker.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Take heart: You probably aren't the only person crushed by the things Vince Lombardi is quoted as having said about you in his new biography.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will be overjoyed when surgeons manage to remove the adze from your skull, but quickly realize it was the only thing that made you special.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You may love children, but you shouldn't have any of your own, as the three things you have to do to get them are dirty.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Some of your coworkers may believe that words hurt, but just wait until you hit them in the face with the stapler.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Spice things up in your bedroom this week: Come home 15 minutes early from work without telling your spouse, but be ready for a surprise.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars are sick and tired of telling you what they say. Learn to listen for once, dammit.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Cancer, which makes it suck that you're an Aquarius.
