Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Looking back, you can't figure out how a win/win situation turned into a win/be savaged by wild boars situation.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Though you think of yourself as having an excellent sense of humor, you really don't see anything funny about fat people, priests walking into bars, or passing gas.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will be shaken to your very core when you are strapped to a four-horsepower hardware-store paint shaker.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Take heart: You probably aren't the only person crushed by the things Vince Lombardi is quoted as having said about you in his new biography.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will be overjoyed when surgeons manage to remove the adze from your skull, but quickly realize it was the only thing that made you special.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You may love children, but you shouldn't have any of your own, as the three things you have to do to get them are dirty.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Some of your coworkers may believe that words hurt, but just wait until you hit them in the face with the stapler.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Spice things up in your bedroom this week: Come home 15 minutes early from work without telling your spouse, but be ready for a surprise.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars are sick and tired of telling you what they say. Learn to listen for once, dammit.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Cancer, which makes it suck that you're an Aquarius.
