Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Don't let the hustle and bustle of the holiday season keep you from finishing your last will and testament before 4:22 p.m. on the 28th.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A fun outing to chop down a Christmas tree ends in tragedy when you mistake a kindergarten class on a field trip for a nice blue spruce.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will experience mortal terror when it seems as if there is no God and that no one cares whether you live or die. This hyper-aware state will last the rest of your life.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
An angel-dust-crazed Santa will visit your house, leave presents for the plate of cookies, and hungrily devour you with a glass of milk.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will achieve a state of total uselessness this week when you forget how to make butter sandwiches.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Good news: FAA crash investigators will find the other half of your skull just in time for the holidays.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be savagely beaten by a crowd of angry Canadians when you absent-mindedly reveal your ignorance of Boxing Day.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be overcome with emotion this week after gazing upon the simple, timeless beauty of a Sears holiday window display.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A smelly, drunken vagrant will try to hit you up for a couple bucks, but he changes his mind upon realizing that you are his firstborn child.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will return from a trip abroad to find Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back his furniture.
