Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will be surprised to learn that even refrigerators can burn if they manage to get hot enough.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You've always thought the difference between you and other people was your uncommon empathy, but it turns out it's the tentacles.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your insistence on wearing a helmet every time you ride your bike turns out to be smart in light of your wishes for an open-casket funeral.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You knew that the veins in the human body, stretched end-to-end, would reach from L.A. to Tokyo, but it's still impressive to see it firsthand.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will learn from bitter experience that it's not a good idea to ask certain people how they're doing.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will have your name immortalized for future generations on a fancy plaque after perishing in next Sunday's O'Hare Airport disaster.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Though New York still refuses to award you the keys to the city, the citizens of Cleveland have seen fit to tell you their locker combination.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You have blossomed following a period of unprecedented spiritual and emotional growth. Now, however, it is time for a lot of injudicious pruning.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You've listened to it over and over, but you still fail to see how Frampton is supposed to "come alive."
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your irrational fear of doctors will finally disappear this week and be replaced by a very rational, justified fear of them.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will wish you had heeded your mother's warnings concerning pickle consumption when you suddenly turn into one of the briny cucumbers.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You're beginning to think that, though it seemed satisfying at the time, perhaps voting for Nader was not the most politically astute thing you've done.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.