Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your conviction that there is meaning and purpose to life is shattered when you are reminded of the existence of Phyllis Diller.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Though you know the difference between a pseudopod and a blastula, you can't figure out why you would suddenly sprout so many of them.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Until next Thursday, you would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that unicycles couldn't explode.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will enjoy increased attention when you are chosen as the site of the 2008 Summer Olympics.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, moments after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobe.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your whole view of the universe will change drastically when you learn you have been greatly overestimating the strength of the weak nuclear force.
Libra September 23 - October 23
No one can say you don't have good all-American values. After all, you're the House Of All-American Values off Route 40 in Davenport, IA.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your conspiracy theory about a shadowy cabal of high-ranking Hardee's executives who run the Hardee's restaurant chain from behind the scenes turns out to be frighteningly close to reality.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The worst thing about the bloody events of next week will be that Penn and Teller feel no need to apologize for any of it.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Though you're not sure why people are always telling you to go screw yourself, there's no real reason not to.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The derisive laughter of others is silenced when your deed to the Brooklyn Bridge turns out to be legal and ironclad.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Try to keep things in proper perspective this week, even after you lose your left eye to marauding longbowmen.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.