Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be pursued by millions of hungry, nutrition-conscious Americans when it is revealed that you are part of a complete breakfast.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done from inside one of these things.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your habit of standing on your desk and flailing about with a fire ax will continue to be distracting and divisive at your office.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your striking resemblance to TV's Craig T. Nelson will somehow fail to get you laid for yet another week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've always said that premature baldness never killed anybody, but the tragic events of next week will force you to eat those words.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
After 12 years of living alone in the bush, you're beginning to think the damned snipe is never going to show.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will go down in linguistic and polar history next week when it is discovered that the Eskimos have more than 600 words for what a big jerk you are.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Next week's trials and tribulations will force you to stand tall and be a man, even though you were born short and female.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Though you'll certainly be proud to have your own action figure, you would have rather had one that didn't feature realistic spastic-colon action.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
